a good kind of ouch

As some may know, marriage can be a very scary thing.  Not the getting married part, but the life afterward.  I think I’ve been living a life of fear and worry.  Financially, it gets scary and I wonder how we’ll make it sometimes.   These are all normal thoughts I think, but my fear has become unhealthy.  I haven’t been sleeping.  I’ve been in constant turmoil.

I really love my husband because he’s always the first to say, “God will take care of us”.  He has a trust in the LORD that has always so impressed me, however, for some reason, I feel the need to be realistic and rational all the time.  I’ve been convicted lately for making multiple mistakes in respecting and trusting the man who takes care of me, and the God who always supplies.  This verse has further deepened my understanding of why I shouldn’t constantly be in worry of the haves and have nots.

Isaiah 58
6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

This yoke of oppression that has been spoken of is something I’ve forced into our life.  I’d like to break that, to give to others still, in what seems like a time of hardship.  He is always there….and he shines through providing in the darkness.  What a joy during the Christmas season to give to others and to let God take care of us.  Regardless of our condition, we should always be giving to and loving others who are in more need.

Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady.

I, for two months, have been officially married.  And on Monday, November 24th, I will be officially 21.  oh happy life

Life has certainly been interesting, exciting, exhilerating, hard at times, but I’m lovin’ it.

I will try to write more interesting things eventually, but right now, all I have to say that I am so truly thankful and blessed for the life God has given me.

what they don’t tell you about hotel glasses…..

So I believe a little bit of germies are good for the body, however this is just gross.

http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22250/39039-hidden-truth-hotel-drinking-glasses?CMP=ILC-MstLkedWdgt

I’m never using those glasses again!

I make mistakes, we all mistakes, and you do too.

I’ve spent so much of my life dwelling on the mistakes and imperfections I possess and honestly I don’t have time to focus on the should haves, could haves.  I often wondered what it would be like to see an old friend again, hoping that it would be pleasant and good, only to find that they were angry and bitter with me.  Maybe I could have handled things differently, maybe I could have been more forward, but maybe that wouldn’t have been good enough or even well-received.  I find that I constantly feel like a failure to others.  I don’t want to disappoint people, I don’t want to let others down, but I do.  And I’ve been let down by others too.  I’ve just had to choose to forgive and be merciful.

It just reminds me to stop putting my hope in others.  They can’t satisfy or please me, just like I can never please everyone.  I need to put my hope and trust and complete life in God.

I was in shock…left with the feeling that it’s my fault, and I could have prevented it.

It’s all about the choices we make and the consequences they bring.  All choices have consequences and if we’re lucky, there are also benefits.

Lord forgive me for the things I’ve done that push people away.
Today was an off day, laced with regret and anxiety.  On another note, I got to spend some time with Megan which was greatly needed.  This weekend Lindsey is getting married and I just can’t wait for it to get here!!!  She is going to be absolutely breath-taking. Anyway, hopefully my next post will be less vague and more optimistic.  

I hope everyone has a blessed week!!!

It’s just another manic tuesday

Lately, I’m really letting sadness take me over.  I don’t know whether it’s the weather or life or dissatisfaction with most things that makes me resort to a state of apathy.  I’m losing myself slowly.  In a mix of suppressing who I am around my peers and missing someone who is so deeply entwined within my heart and soul.  There’s such a lack of consistency yet at the same time a routine that just makes me feel numb.  Surely, the numbness is wearing off.

All things aside, there is an ever apparent fact in the back of my head I just know that God’s love never fails me, never leaves me, and I know I need Him so badly.  I was reading an old friend’s journal and she was saying how she really hasn’t sought God as much as she should, and in that circumstance, she felt more strongly than ever that God is real.  It’s interesting because, there are so many times when I feel God drawing me back to Him…calling me back through words to a song or encouraging thoughts.  I know they are not mine, they are His desire for me to draw near.

I don’t want to lose who I am.  And sometimes I feel like it’s too late.  I forget what these forward steps are for.  God and He  inside me never changes.  I can always lean that.  These words are just forever repeating in my mind.

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I’ll stand.

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all You are,
‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

Just call me stampy….

Today was the best day of my semester so far and I say that because it always helps to be positive   So many people are struggling with new schedules and such.  I forget about the days when I used to work twenty hours a week, often getting out at 9 pm.  That was rough, but I did what I had to do.  Now is the time where I regain that mentality.  9-5 isn’t that bad.  So today was good, but no one said I wasn’t tired.

Every now and then I need some alone time.  Just fifteen minutes hit the spot today.  I went to Saints this morning and read about Moses…this struck me.

The LORD said to him, ” Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say?”

Sometimes…a lot of times… I feel like I don’t have the right things to say, but trusting God and knowing that He will teach me the things to say or do is just so important.  I’ve been having issues listening to God lately.  Just because I’m so slow to realize that He’s speaking.  It comes from our unwillingness to shift our plans.  Our lack of flexibility and focus on the present.  I’m constantly planning, or looking at my watch when I should just “be”.  It’s like be still and know that God is God; all-powerful, everywhere, almighty.

I’m working to hear God more.  I feel like I’m always starting from scratch spiritually…forgetting the simple things I should have gotten years ago.  But it’s okay because it’s humbling and we all need that sometimes.

——————-

Heath Ledger.  The whole situation makes me sad and what makes me even more sad is extremists are making a point to persecute him after death and cause further suffering to his family.  What irritates me about this is that their time could be better spent.  I know that for myself, I fall short of the Great Commission.  Couldn’t the time that they are putting forth to protest a dead man’s funeral be used for telling people about Jesus…the Savior who cleanses us from ALL sin…realized and unrealized?   Yes, it could.  God didn’t picket things.  He went full force into the sinful circles.

I think I could spend a lot of time talking about this, so I am going to stop.
Ranting done.

kay bye!

Old places, same faces.

Have you ever heard a song and you could associate it with a very specific time period or action?  There is this Zune commercial that makes me so happy every time it comes on the tv.  It’s Rogue Wave with “lake michigan”.  There is this girl dancing with giant pink bunnies! it’s so magical.  Anyway, I went on their myspace and listened to their music and this song came on.

I just remember hearing it all the time at work at People’s Nation. I remember cleaning up at night and folding shirts.  Just chilling out with the girls.  The song always came on at the most peaceful and calm times in the store and at those moments I felt warm and comforted.  It made me think of how I took that experience for granted.  I miss those girls that I felt so bonded to.  We bonded over some wrong reasons, and I can’t say I was the best person when I was there, but I miss it….and it was the greatest job I think I ever had.

I love songs that make me warm and nostalgic.  It’s like I can just escape into my mind for a little, into the depths of my memory and be truly happy.  God, I appreciate those times now.  And I know that I was there for a reason.

Ghana Rhymes with Ban-ah-na

My whole break has been spent with my family and fiance. I can say that it has been quite satisfying. Most of the time we’ve been sitting in our living room playing games, and talking around the fire, but I can honestly say that I am missing my friends severely…especially since Ky and Shannon just returned from Australia. I literally want to cry about how much I missed them.

Though I feel that these close friends of mine are forever friends, I have just come to realization that I have really taken my parents for granted. Of course, during your teenage and college years, you would rather be with your friends. It has just really hit me that my parent’s are lifelong friends. They are my ultimate support and leaving them over my longest break of the year would just be silly.

My dad got a new four-wheeler from Christmas. Quite an extravagant gift that he would have bought himself if he hadn’t done better things with his savings, but it was really exciting. Yesterday, we spent quite a bit of time removing an area of brush and thorns from the side of my parent’s house. A tree, a full tree, grew from all of these thorns! Anyway, after all of that we went on four wheeler ride and I telling my dad that I missed doing stuff with my friends, and he said, “you know, your friends will move away someday…your won’t always been close to them.”  And it sort of hit me.  I’m getting married.  I’m probably going to be relocating somewhere different from all of my friends if they don’t first.

We only have so much time with friends and family and I do not want to take anyone for granted.

My daddy is going to Ghana this afternoon and I’m going to miss him so much.  If anyone reads this, please be praying for safety for his team.

Upon pondering….

I think sometimes I sell myself short of God’s blessings simply because I don’t think I deserve them (which I don’t).  It doesn’t make sense for me to not constantly remember everything He’s done for me because He has done so much.  I think my thoughts of God are lacking and this simply has to do with my lack of time with God.  With so many things going on in my life…the traveling, planning, the colds, and taking care of others, I always make excuses why I can’t relax and just be quiet with my heavenly Father.  I think this is my biggest downfall and struggle in my relationship with God; not being able to accept His blessings and therefore not even truly thanking Him with my time and a close relationship with Him.

I’m never satisfied with the time that I “put in” for God.  And maybe that’s why…I am simply putting in time for Him which is never what a relationship should be.  I remember a friend said long ago, that they feel good just putting in time for people and then being done with it.  I remember how awful it felt to feel like I was just there because they had the time for me…that I as just a slot that needed to be filled.  I know that realistically life will become more like this with age, but I want to do everything within my power to make a commitment to people and more so God that doesn’t depend on a schedule in which I need to fit things in.

Imagine how God feels when we plot out our intimate times with Him so that we have just enough time to do what we think is important.  Imagine how God feels when we don’t even take the time to talk with Him because we’re too preoccupied with plans and dates and clocks.  I bet He feels hurt by me.  The funny thing is that I try so hard not to hurt people and to give them what they want, so they won’t hate me.  Mostly, I think people want me to be silent and to not be myself; to simply sit back and muzzle my mouth.  A good friend suggested to me that maybe my relationship with others reflects my relationship with God.  There are so many parallels between how I feel about my relationship with others and my relationship with God.

I simply want to be seen and not heard.  To fall into the background as a silent participant.  To have others pursue my friendship and not vice versa.  God won’t draw near to me if I don’t draw near to Him.

All in all…God, I’m so thankful for the amazing and crazy life you’ve given me. I’m not perfect and I focus on that a lot.  I forget Your endless love and grace that is always upon me.  I thank You for it daily and just want to be closer to your heart.  You’re the most amazing God and I’m honored to worship You father.    I invite You into my life Lord.

what are these thoughts?

I’m surrounded by so many passionate people.  They are so wise and so open about their love for God, and me, I’m too busy, to tired to really worship Him, and when I see these passionate people, I remember when I had time.  I miss it.
Lately, I’m caught up in worry, in fear.  There are so many things to get done, so many needs that I and the future ‘we’ have.  It’s so stressful.  I can feel that people are praying for me when I need it because some more trivial things I worry about get solved and done.  And I call on Him. I know He hears me.

By the time the day is done, I just want to sleep.  I tend to be in bed by 10 followed by some tv and then sleep.   While everyone else in my apartment is up and having fun, I’m zonked out.  Would you call that depression? Am I sick or something?

I know essentially the things that I do can be attested to who God is in my life.  Those things that are good are from Him, but there are also things that I detest about myself and just wish they would go away.

I just can’t help but think, “when is the last time, me and You, spent some time together? And I worshiped You for all that You are?”  The truth is, I really can’t remember.

I can’t wait for break to get here.  I’ll be less busy and then I have no excuse for ignoring God.