Upon pondering….
I think sometimes I sell myself short of God’s blessings simply because I don’t think I deserve them (which I don’t). It doesn’t make sense for me to not constantly remember everything He’s done for me because He has done so much. I think my thoughts of God are lacking and this simply has to do with my lack of time with God. With so many things going on in my life…the traveling, planning, the colds, and taking care of others, I always make excuses why I can’t relax and just be quiet with my heavenly Father. I think this is my biggest downfall and struggle in my relationship with God; not being able to accept His blessings and therefore not even truly thanking Him with my time and a close relationship with Him.
I’m never satisfied with the time that I “put in” for God. And maybe that’s why…I am simply putting in time for Him which is never what a relationship should be. I remember a friend said long ago, that they feel good just putting in time for people and then being done with it. I remember how awful it felt to feel like I was just there because they had the time for me…that I as just a slot that needed to be filled. I know that realistically life will become more like this with age, but I want to do everything within my power to make a commitment to people and more so God that doesn’t depend on a schedule in which I need to fit things in.
Imagine how God feels when we plot out our intimate times with Him so that we have just enough time to do what we think is important. Imagine how God feels when we don’t even take the time to talk with Him because we’re too preoccupied with plans and dates and clocks. I bet He feels hurt by me. The funny thing is that I try so hard not to hurt people and to give them what they want, so they won’t hate me. Mostly, I think people want me to be silent and to not be myself; to simply sit back and muzzle my mouth. A good friend suggested to me that maybe my relationship with others reflects my relationship with God. There are so many parallels between how I feel about my relationship with others and my relationship with God.
I simply want to be seen and not heard. To fall into the background as a silent participant. To have others pursue my friendship and not vice versa. God won’t draw near to me if I don’t draw near to Him.
All in all…God, I’m so thankful for the amazing and crazy life you’ve given me. I’m not perfect and I focus on that a lot. I forget Your endless love and grace that is always upon me. I thank You for it daily and just want to be closer to your heart. You’re the most amazing God and I’m honored to worship You father. I invite You into my life Lord.
Leave a Reply